Wednesday, November 17
soon, all this will be over. very soon. in less than 48 hours. i don't care anymore, i just can't seem to study anymore. it's like.. saturated? not saturated with knowledge, mind. saturated with impatience to hurry up and get everything over and done with. the more i think about it the surer i am that i'm not going to get a whole string of a1s or even a2s. i mean, 2 ppl out of the cohort getting a1s for physics in previous years is pretty extreme okay. i mean.. i don't know what i was expecting. but i forgot that very interesting piece of information. if our seniors couldn't ace their o's, who says we're going to. dragon year. moderation. downwards. and i made so many stupid mistakes today.. i guess i'll apply for some lousy jc next week.. what's the point of downgrading after march? i'm still not over ss. i'm sorry, i know i keep bringing it up when it's nothing but a distant memory to you.. but this memory is burning me up. i knew how to do it. i could have. why does my brain do crazy things to me when i least need bad advice? i just don't get over terrible mistakes like that. i really am sorry. keep dwelling on it.. listening to all of you talk sometimes about the future, i wonder what mine holds when i screw everything up.. everything. there's nothing left but you people. and i guess that's all i need? without you, it'd be mere existence. i'd rather have what i'm having now. a life. not a great one, one filled with regrets and might-have-beens, but still, i'm alive. and actually.. it's the might-have-beens that keep me up at night. it's the might-have-beens that preoccupy my dreams. and it's the might-have-beens that will never be. irony of life eh?
it must've been love.
8:45 pm
xoxo
